Throughout life we experience many different types of social encounters, some leading to strong long-lasting bonds, whilst other being in our life for a brief period; our families, friends, work colleagues, even strangers we pass by, they are all part of these encounters. As our purest form of the self is made of energy, each encounter creates a different frequency. This is based on the interaction between our energy and their energy. Therefore, the toxicity in any relationship is created by the two energies. As the saying goes “we meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime”, we can understand that each one comes with a purpose and a lesson. As it is the energy that brings two people together, we can realise that we attract the type that we put to the universe. Whilst sometimes it can be confusing to rationalise why a specific person has come into our life, it is important to acknowledge that we contributed to this social encounter as much as they did. Of course, the way a person behaves cannot be controlled by another, but what you can control is the way you perceive and react to it. Whilst there is no prediction of how any relationship we form will be like, we can focus in aligning ourselves energetically in a way that attracts and maintains a harmonious state within and therefore externally.
Love is the most powerful feeling. We often think that love can heal, that it can hurt, that love can make us happy or sad. Actually, love doesn’t cause any of these emotions, it is our perception of the experience that generalises it and creates a state. The best way to remove toxic relationships is by learning to love yourself first. The truth is that most of us think we do this very well, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. Learning to love yourself requires a lot of patience. You first must get to know yourself completely to be able to love every part of you. This also requires forgiveness and acknowledging parts that maybe you are uncomfortable with as you get to remove the layers you have coated yourself with (metaphorically speaking of course). Although it is one of the most difficult relationships to create, it is also the most important you will ever have. The relationship you have with yourself, defines the course of all the relationships you have in your life. Do you respect yourself and honour your physical body? Are you kind to your emotional self, allowing yourself to feel with no judgement? Do you think kindly of yourself and affirm positive, empowering self-talk? Do you trust yourself completely? These are all aspects we must work through in order to be able to proceed with creating long lasting, healthy and harmonious relationships with others around us.
The word boundary can sound quite limiting and perhaps even negative to some, but creating boundaries in all of our social relationships is a healthy way to express what you are able to give and receive at this point. It allows you to express freely without feeling any rejection or by overwhelming yourself. Boundaries can be of different kinds. They could be physical boundaries, such as establishing your comfortable space of touch. For example, some people don’t like to be hugged or touched. Even if it comes in the most loving way, this is not their comfortable space and it should be respected. There can be emotional boundaries, such as sharing feelings and emotions. Not everybody can do so freely, some people don’t know how to, or they might require some time and again this should be respected. There can be vocal boundaries, such as sharing information freely. Not everybody likes or feels comfortable to speak about certain aspects of their life, no matter how small they may appear. So, what are your boundaries? There is no need to create any if you feel you are able to express yourself freely in most aspects of your life. But if you do have some, honour these. Acknowledge them with no judgement, but complete openness to yourself. And when you are ready, work through them. Ask yourself why you have these and if you would like to remove some by working on them. There is no need to force yourself into anything. Your boundaries are yours and they are part of your uniqueness. Respect yourself just the way you are. Establishing your own boundaries will also free you in sharing these with others so that they know where you stand and they can also respect these, just as you should respect theirs.
This is by far one of the most important aspects of any relationship and in fact, in life in general. You must be able to completely be yourself, in order for the relationship to grow in a healthy state. Are you able to express your own truth? Can you speak up without the fear of being rejected? Fear can hold us back from so many beautiful experiences in life, sometimes without us being aware that it is fear itself doing so. We blame “failed” or “toxic” relationships on the other person or on everything else, but the truth is that we must also look at our own behaviours and energy we put into it. Speaking our truth is about expressing ourselves; vocalising our ideas, opinions, desires, wants and needs with clarity and freedom. To be able to do so, we need to find our truth and discover our authenticity, that part of the self that makes us as unique. Journaling is a wonderful way to explore your authenticity. At the end of each day, write down a few key events or experiences of your day and ask the following questions:
What was the situation?
How did I feel about it?
Did I express myself freely about this?
If no, what held me back from doing so?
How can I do so next time?
It is really important to start becoming comfortable with your own voice so that you can vocalise yourself. This will also give others the opportunity to know where you stand and what you are about.
Our energetic self is a very sensitive part of our overall make-up. Some people can be very sensitive to external energies and without even realising, they pick these up for themselves. We can all experience darker shifts of energy, it’s part of being human. But we must also be able to clear these out so that we don’t continue to feed this negative pattern and release it out in the universe for others to pick it up, or for us to attract the same kind. The best way to clear up negative energy is to acknowledge it, accept it and then let it go. You can do so through your breath, visualising these dark foggy frequencies being released from within you with every exhale. You can do so through your journaling, by letting it go through writing them down on paper, therefore releasing them from your mind, body and soul. You can also do so by engaging in physical exercise and releasing all those happy endorphins which will balance out your internal emotional state; or you can practice meditation. Whatever works for you, always release these before you go to sleep every night so that you can start a fresh day with a positive approach.
And finally, learn to not take everything so seriously. Life is a beautiful, adventurous journey that we have been given to experience and it’s ok to have some fun in the process. Express yourself through laughter, feelings of joy and excitement. Let your inner childish nature come out sometimes, it’s ok to do so. There is nothing more freeing than feeling completely content in the present moment, without over analysing, thinking or feeling too much. Just allow yourself to be.